As I continue to make my make on Columbus as a professional wedding photographer, I am continuing to capture every session that comes my way. On this late Spring day, Columbus, OH was drying up from a strong thunderstorm the night before. This was a back yard weddding. While attempting to locate the correct property, I had reached my destination at what looked to be just an empty house. As I got closer, I did see a man dressed in a three-piece suit with a hat, and someone in the distance on a riding lawn mower.

Grrom listening to his jams in the driveway on his phone tucked into his vest shoulder looked real angry

Wedding today? Nods his head

Walked up to storm door and saw an absolute mess in the house with a painting of an old lady with 3 cats

Woman at door was not bride, but her twin sister.

Since bride wasn’t there I walked around to the back and met a super nice guy on riding lawn mower. He runs a brewery in Columbus and hosted the food truck for the wedding. He was a part of the family like the blonde woman(name?) of the Munsters.

Helped children put out tables and chairs and dry everything off.

Now that it was almost ceremony time, the offiant they hired asked them to stand in front of her. The groom loudly denied her request satating, we are standing herr. You come and stand in front of us. To which she calmly replied with. We need to be plainly visible to the witnesses you have invited. After losing this fight, he walked to the bridge and groom table, tore a leg off one chair and threw it into the woods, like a tomahawk (his words.)

They asked th officiat if she wanted to stay and have some food which she declined, but I thought to myslef, please don’t leave me alone here.

He bragged about having a tool that I didn’t have, then told me I couldn’t have it.

he asked me if I was good to which I confidently replied. At that point he gave me a smirk and I believed I was off the hook. His bride however was not. When it came time to cut the cake, she had a knife in her hand and motioned for him to join her. Please don’t give him a nife I thought to myself. He put his hand with hers to cut the cake with this large knife. Right when they were about to cut the cake, he pulled it away from her and hut it right through the cake horizontallh. Then he smashed her face into it. To be clear, he did not bring the cake up to her face. he pushed her face into the cake.

After all of this, while she was clearing the icing from her face, she declared, Mark, you’re a turd.

That’s when I realized two things, when I get married, it has to be to someone who loves me like this woman loves him. I don’t know a single woman, not even my own mother who would put up with all that from me. This is one of those marriages that I know will last forever, because he marrued an actual saint.

Also, I’m not going to photograph people getting married at their own house anymore.